I decided to write the last chapter with a glimmer of hope, rather than the ongoing chaos my life had become. To give you a time-frame (which I completely forgot to do in the last couple chapters - hah, remember I'm new to writing a blog) - it was 2013 when all this chaos began. The wasting away; the trouble with my family and relationships; not being able to pay rent..
If I had known then.. what mental illness looked like, or more specifically, schizophrenia looked like... I could have started the process to recovery much quicker. But, there's no point in regret, or "it could have been this way, or that way"... what's done is done, and it all led me here to writing this blog right at this moment! It was around the summertime, sorta proceeding after my last show (I'm a musician FYI). The symptoms had begun to surface in a bad way.. though maybe not even in the worse way, though I sure thought it couldn't get worse. It was like my brain was attacking me. Punishing me... for nothing, so it seemed. So, I was at this new job... and it was going horribly... it was not right... nothing really was at that time. I soon decided to work somewhere else, but again, my problems only followed me. Of course, when all this is happening, you're desperately trying to find a way to escape this horror. When you don't realize it's a mental illness, you just believe that people are out to get you, and life is trying to say something to you. And when I say that, I mean, your beliefs are the only thing you feel you can depend on... what you knew before all this chaos began. So, I did what I would do previously... apply change. Thus, (This can be added as another chapter to the chaos) I decided to move away. I didn't really tell anyone... I just decided to sell my stuff, or get rid of stuff and leave. At the last second I told my family what I was doing. I felt sad of course... I felt like I was wrecking other people's lives around me...and I didn't know what to do. But this is what I did do... I went to Victoria, 3.5 hours south, and attempted to live there. But my disorganized brain couldn't figure out what would be right. I began thinking I was seeing signs from God (pretty much anyway) and thus thought I was meant to travel somewhere else. THIS is when the delusions can really mess things up. And, oh boy, did it. This is a short chapter, since I don't want to overload anyone with the chaos that soon came after. In short, I want to say, if you are in mental distress, don't run away from your problems... do seek the help you need. Don't let unhelpful beliefs take over and cause more damage. See these signs, and move towards assistance/help, not away from it! Recognize delusional thinking! If there's any message to this part - it's to recognize the signs!!! Thanks for reading, and following me along this journey. :) Jonathon
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