Okay, like I said… *big breath* this is going to be hard for me to write, but in doing so.. I know it will benefit people.
Where to start…well, let’s start when my life was starting to go ‘wrong’. Now, spirituality has for a while now been a huge foundation for my life. Before, I believed in energy and such… and to an extent thought I knew God, and was on the path and all that, but.. things in my life were (at first) slowly taking a turn. Yes, I would recover from these things somewhat, around this time, but my energy felt like it was being drained out of my body. I turned to the idea that maybe I wasn’t getting enough of something. I would bounce back, but I now realize it was the illness popping its head out every so often, and eventually more and more. The next big thing was.. my job. For some odd reason, things were much less busy at the pizzeria I was working at. So, in turn, I was not making enough money to pay off rent. Now, this is something I really want you to focus on, especially the Schizophrenics here. Organization, is a very left brain thing. Our left brain does all the logical stuff. I always thought of myself as a quite a right brained person. I drew, wrote songs, had a vivid imagination, and enjoyed the arts. But without the left brain.. we cannot implement plans! So, looking back, this is very obvious to me as being a sign of imbalance! I was, at the time, living in a suite owned by my Parents. So, the rent money went directly to them. When I wasn’t making enough, and wasn’t taking my responsibilities seriously enough, this became a problem. Looking back (which I’m probably going to be saying a lot! hah!) I was not taking responsibilities seriously enough. Then the chaos began. I quit my job… then decided to begin this new very laborious job. But again, everything felt wrong. I had felt suspicious of people, and especially those closest to me. I was losing weight, not eating enough, no appetite. And, starting this new job… I barely had energy to pick up an object. My sleep was deeply disturbed. It was hell. I tried to continue my normal Spiritual practice in a sense… which was mostly by getting expensive energy healings; trying to find ‘THE’ answer. But at this point in time… there was no answer. Now, I know I got to all this rather quick… there may be more details…but ones I don’t think are that important to mention. Just know… I had a fall out with those close to me. It was all a nightmare. On top of it, I was getting to this new job late, I felt so lost, and I was barely performing the tasks at hand in a speedy manner. To put it frankly, I was lost. I asked so many questions to those that I felt I trusted most… Spiritual healers, psychics… But it never really got me anywhere (no offence to those people), but this was way out of their profession… but what did I know of mental illness? I never had one thought of it! Why? Because I was never taught, never aware of it! I always pushed doctors to try to scan my body, find out what’s going wrong. Always focussed on the body, when it was my mind (or more specifically - my brain) causing this chaos. I will end this section by saying… that feeling of being completely lost, and having no direction when you become suspicious, you’re not at the ‘right’ job, your responsibilities are not being met… these are the major signs… to put into one word: Disorganized. The brain being disorganized is a main symptom and indicator of Schizophrenia. So, I end this by saying… I hope you can be open enough to accept the help you may need. It was my resistance towards the unknown that kept me suffering. Now, this is just one chapter… and I guess I’m just getting right to the point. I don’t know what the next chapter will be… I probably continue this story in the most direct way. Thank you for reading. Jonathon
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